Trying to be vocal

A couple weeks ago I was experiencing horrible side effects of TMJ and whatever this muscular catastrophe is. My sternocleidomastoid muscle felt so tight. The sternocleidomastoid is in your neck which is the acting muscle that rotates your head. It was so tight on both sides, for nearly two months. Now with L's help (ROLFER extraordinaire) the swelling has ceased and it's slowly returning to feeling normal.

To be honest, I can't remember what it's like to feel normal. Orofacial pain is horrible because you can't ignore it. I can ignore a broken arm, or a cramp in my leg, but it's hard to look beyond any pain in your head.

I lost my hearing a couple of times last week. There's something going on with where my jaw meets below my ear, and I will be walking from Muni to go home and suddenly one of my ears isn't hearing as well as the other. It's a matter of minutes or up to a half an hour sometimes that it takes for it to come back. I wish I knew what to do when this happens. It's terribly frightening and then I don't help the situation by becoming catastrophic about it all.

I wish I could see L every day. I am so terrified to move now, since it seems like there is a consequence if I do. L grabbed a group of my muscles under my throat and told me to stick out my tongue. I did, and he said "does that hurt in the back?" and it did very much. He said that's where my scars were from my tonsillectomy that I had three years ago. He said that was adding to my problem- that they never fully healed. Is this true? I don't know. Could they have barely healed by the time I jumped into playing the role of Nettie in Carousel with The Lamplighters? Could I have been over-singing so much in the past couple years...and talking... that they never fully got the chance to heal entirely? It's true that is where the hold up mentally is. Every time I try and sing, it is that area that sends some kind of delay through my body.... What secrets of such old surgeries will reveal themselves?