Don't Tell Mama's

I just got a dvd in the mail of a concert I participated in for a friend's birthday. I was so terrified because at that time, when the concert happened, I was in so much pain and I was so frightened I could barely function. To perform in a condition like that is unbearable. I wanted to be present and supportive but I sincerely was too paralyzed internally to do it. After viewing the performance on dvd, it was totally fine, but I could see how very little sound I was making that evening when I know what I am capable of. I seriously have been in the most agony over the last four months. I can't even imagine piecing my life back together. None of those performers knew what was going on, and the night wasn't even about me. There were a couple flat notes but honestly compared to what I was feeling and going through it was very satisfactory. I still flinch when people ask me how my trip to New York was. I was dying inside. I didn't know what was happening.

My rolfer and biofeedback and tmj doctor have been the formula of successful treatment and I know I will get better. Last night I sang for the first time in front of an audience since the Light Up the Night Vigil in early December. What better than to sing for a bunch of drunks who won't remember the next day? I belted and passed with power and flying colors of improvement and almost to a place where I felt once before in the days before an accident, sprain and tmj implosion ended my life as I knew it five months ago. People still didn't understand. One meaningful friend there said "How was Bitter and Be Gay at DON'T TELL MAMA'S?" And I said "IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" I couldn't get angry... it's not their fault. They don't SEE an injury, so they don't understand. I calmly said...."I have TMJ and I have been dealing with a lot of treatment caused by an injury."

What my doctoring skills have noted is that if it hadn't been the strain of suitcases that day it would have been something else. It was only a matter of time. Not even ten minutes after belting out Hey There from The Pajama Game and Nowadays from Chicago did my cheekbones start to ache and the back of my head start to send painful neurons down to my neck and through my jaw to my chin. Thankfully the sternocleidomastoid muscle has taken a break from tightening up, and that's due to my P.T. at Stanford and my rolfer and his amazing hands.

I am feeling less negative and more hopeful about my future. Yesterday in my voice lesson I was able to hit all of my notes that I could belt before. None were flat or rusty, and I haven't visited that range in four months. I have been engaged in vocal bootcamp with my teacher just keeping my chords healthy and flexible. it never was a vocal problem which is a relief but in the end it's still been a devastating experience. My voice teacher and I started going through old material which had me on the brink of tears because I know how I sound when I sing that song and I just can't bring the same power to it right now. The key words are RIGHT NOW. Acceptance has been so hard because the one thing I have carried throughout my life is that I am a singer first, and my body knows what to do. I have been stripped of this confident feeling for awhile, but the notes are all there with the resonance and technique I have.

I got through Always a Bridesmaid and then it began when I started into If He Walked Into My Life. When I got to the lyric "Did I give to much" and I am supposed to hold out "MUCH" my jaw nearly collapsed around the "CH" in much. It started to clench immediately. I communicated this and my teacher and I will begin working on these details next week. We are slowly identifying everything as stemming from my jaw, but like some of the biggest mysteries of our bodies, we have to narrow down our options until we discover where the problem is firing from. My head is in constant pain and I'm slowly starting to ignore it. My optic nerve feels like a baseball bat is taken to it multiple times a day.

A friend of mine has been going through similar agony and he has had to put his vocal career on hold as well. There's something going on with his wisdom teeth and muscular tension. A guy he was dating thought he was making it up. Once again if people don't see a crutch or a sling or a bandage, they don't understand the pain that goes on internally. So many of us are brought up to "Walk it off" or deal with it. Many people deal with pain much worse than mine or have years of damage brought upon their bodies because they don't want to deal with it or worse, they can't afford to fix it with the medical problems our country faces. Back to last night- I ran into the guy who swore my friend was "Making his pain up" at a bar last night. In front of a group of us he said "How's *John with his singing struggles? Remember that?" He said with a grin and a roll of his eyes and I POUNCED. I said "I've been having similar struggles myself and it's not made up! It's real and there are so many people who have been able to keep going with their passions and careers and I personally have come to a complete stop!" It's fear. It's fear that I had my one chance in New York and it's fear that others less talented will pass you by and it's the lack of emotional support from surrounding souls who think you're making it up that make you just another fish in the sea when you were getting closer to the top only months ago.

My dad was a football player. He tore a muscle in his knee that is still injured to this day and I never really thought about it. I never thought about how the realization that he couldn't play pro ball was instantly terminated in a moment or less and how he must have FELT. I never realized how snobby and naive I was to think that it could NOT happen to me. I will get somewhere with my talent and I already have but it's so devastating. That is the word: Devastating. I don't want to end up teaching because I never DID and I don't want to end up taking a job that gets me through my life but doesn't nurse a passion that's been forced to stop. I can't see myself anywhere near happiness if I settle.

All of this spilled out because of a DVD that I just ripped open to watch, terrified that my performance was less than okay. My debut at Don't Tell Mama's in New York.... powerless, painful, and although I have gotten much better, I look at myself in the dvd at my neck and my jaw and I can't even recall the feeling of doom I had in that moment, caught on camera, while simultaneously acting to an audience who did not have the faintest idea.....

I have finally started listening to music again. I never thought I would see a day where even listening to others would hurt so badly. Others being allowed to do what came so easily to me. I went for weeks without the radio, a cd, my itunes, on purpose. That's unheard of!

I think what is the most mind-blowing is that I can't protect myself from my own pain.