I just got a dvd in the mail of a concert I participated in for a friend's birthday. I was so terrified because at that time, when the concert happened, I was in so much pain and I was so frightened I could barely function. To perform in a condition like that is unbearable. I wanted to be present and supportive but I sincerely was too paralyzed internally to do it. After viewing the performance on dvd, it was totally fine, but I could see how very little sound I was making that evening when I know what I am capable of. I seriously have been in the most agony over the last four months. I can't even imagine piecing my life back together. None of those performers knew what was going on, and the night wasn't even about me. There were a couple flat notes but honestly compared to what I was feeling and going through it was very satisfactory. I still flinch when people ask me how my trip to New York was. I was dying inside. I didn't know what was happening.
My rolfer and biofeedback and tmj doctor have been the formula of successful treatment and I know I will get better. Last night I sang for the first time in front of an audience since the Light Up the Night Vigil in early December. What better than to sing for a bunch of drunks who won't remember the next day? I belted and passed with power and flying colors of improvement and almost to a place where I felt once before in the days before an accident, sprain and tmj implosion ended my life as I knew it five months ago. People still didn't understand. One meaningful friend there said "How was Bitter and Be Gay at DON'T TELL MAMA'S?" And I said "IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" I couldn't get angry... it's not their fault. They don't SEE an injury, so they don't understand. I calmly said...."I have TMJ and I have been dealing with a lot of treatment caused by an injury."
What my doctoring skills have noted is that if it hadn't been the strain of suitcases that day it would have been something else. It was only a matter of time. Not even ten minutes after belting out Hey There from The Pajama Game and Nowadays from Chicago did my cheekbones start to ache and the back of my head start to send painful neurons down to my neck and through my jaw to my chin. Thankfully the sternocleidomastoid muscle has taken a break from tightening up, and that's due to my P.T. at Stanford and my rolfer and his amazing hands.
I am feeling less negative and more hopeful about my future. Yesterday in my voice lesson I was able to hit all of my notes that I could belt before. None were flat or rusty, and I haven't visited that range in four months. I have been engaged in vocal bootcamp with my teacher just keeping my chords healthy and flexible. it never was a vocal problem which is a relief but in the end it's still been a devastating experience. My voice teacher and I started going through old material which had me on the brink of tears because I know how I sound when I sing that song and I just can't bring the same power to it right now. The key words are RIGHT NOW. Acceptance has been so hard because the one thing I have carried throughout my life is that I am a singer first, and my body knows what to do. I have been stripped of this confident feeling for awhile, but the notes are all there with the resonance and technique I have.
I got through Always a Bridesmaid and then it began when I started into If He Walked Into My Life. When I got to the lyric "Did I give to much" and I am supposed to hold out "MUCH" my jaw nearly collapsed around the "CH" in much. It started to clench immediately. I communicated this and my teacher and I will begin working on these details next week. We are slowly identifying everything as stemming from my jaw, but like some of the biggest mysteries of our bodies, we have to narrow down our options until we discover where the problem is firing from. My head is in constant pain and I'm slowly starting to ignore it. My optic nerve feels like a baseball bat is taken to it multiple times a day.
A friend of mine has been going through similar agony and he has had to put his vocal career on hold as well. There's something going on with his wisdom teeth and muscular tension. A guy he was dating thought he was making it up. Once again if people don't see a crutch or a sling or a bandage, they don't understand the pain that goes on internally. So many of us are brought up to "Walk it off" or deal with it. Many people deal with pain much worse than mine or have years of damage brought upon their bodies because they don't want to deal with it or worse, they can't afford to fix it with the medical problems our country faces. Back to last night- I ran into the guy who swore my friend was "Making his pain up" at a bar last night. In front of a group of us he said "How's *John with his singing struggles? Remember that?" He said with a grin and a roll of his eyes and I POUNCED. I said "I've been having similar struggles myself and it's not made up! It's real and there are so many people who have been able to keep going with their passions and careers and I personally have come to a complete stop!" It's fear. It's fear that I had my one chance in New York and it's fear that others less talented will pass you by and it's the lack of emotional support from surrounding souls who think you're making it up that make you just another fish in the sea when you were getting closer to the top only months ago.
My dad was a football player. He tore a muscle in his knee that is still injured to this day and I never really thought about it. I never thought about how the realization that he couldn't play pro ball was instantly terminated in a moment or less and how he must have FELT. I never realized how snobby and naive I was to think that it could NOT happen to me. I will get somewhere with my talent and I already have but it's so devastating. That is the word: Devastating. I don't want to end up teaching because I never DID and I don't want to end up taking a job that gets me through my life but doesn't nurse a passion that's been forced to stop. I can't see myself anywhere near happiness if I settle.
All of this spilled out because of a DVD that I just ripped open to watch, terrified that my performance was less than okay. My debut at Don't Tell Mama's in New York.... powerless, painful, and although I have gotten much better, I look at myself in the dvd at my neck and my jaw and I can't even recall the feeling of doom I had in that moment, caught on camera, while simultaneously acting to an audience who did not have the faintest idea.....
I have finally started listening to music again. I never thought I would see a day where even listening to others would hurt so badly. Others being allowed to do what came so easily to me. I went for weeks without the radio, a cd, my itunes, on purpose. That's unheard of!
I think what is the most mind-blowing is that I can't protect myself from my own pain.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
bugger
Digastricus: (named digastric as it has two bellies) is a small muscle located under the jaw.
It lies below the body of the mandible, and extends, in a curved form, from the mastoid process to the symphysis menti. It belongs to the suprahyoid muscles group.
A broad aponeurotic layer is given off from the tendon of the Digastricus on either side, to be attached to the body and greater cornu of the hyoid bone; this is termed the suprahyoid aponeurosis.
Whatever I just quoted from WIKI is where all of my pain and discomfort lies on the right side of my jaw. It feels irritated and very stretched. On the left side it's also very tender underneath my chin. I can't tell if something is wrong inside my throat but it seems to again, all be muscle-related. When I read about the entire musculature of the neck and head, all of the little pains seem to live within The Platysma Muscle. It is a broad sheet of muscle arising from the pectoral (chest) and deltoid (shoulder) muscles and rises over the collarbone (clavicle), proceeding upward in a slanting manner along sides of the neck. (taken from google/What is the Platysma Muscle?)
That's great and all that google can help me identify the places where it hurts most but SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO ABOUT THEM?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Trying to be vocal
A couple weeks ago I was experiencing horrible side effects of TMJ and whatever this muscular catastrophe is. My sternocleidomastoid muscle felt so tight. The sternocleidomastoid is in your neck which is the acting muscle that rotates your head. It was so tight on both sides, for nearly two months. Now with L's help (ROLFER extraordinaire) the swelling has ceased and it's slowly returning to feeling normal.
To be honest, I can't remember what it's like to feel normal. Orofacial pain is horrible because you can't ignore it. I can ignore a broken arm, or a cramp in my leg, but it's hard to look beyond any pain in your head.
I lost my hearing a couple of times last week. There's something going on with where my jaw meets below my ear, and I will be walking from Muni to go home and suddenly one of my ears isn't hearing as well as the other. It's a matter of minutes or up to a half an hour sometimes that it takes for it to come back. I wish I knew what to do when this happens. It's terribly frightening and then I don't help the situation by becoming catastrophic about it all.
I wish I could see L every day. I am so terrified to move now, since it seems like there is a consequence if I do. L grabbed a group of my muscles under my throat and told me to stick out my tongue. I did, and he said "does that hurt in the back?" and it did very much. He said that's where my scars were from my tonsillectomy that I had three years ago. He said that was adding to my problem- that they never fully healed. Is this true? I don't know. Could they have barely healed by the time I jumped into playing the role of Nettie in Carousel with The Lamplighters? Could I have been over-singing so much in the past couple years...and talking... that they never fully got the chance to heal entirely? It's true that is where the hold up mentally is. Every time I try and sing, it is that area that sends some kind of delay through my body.... What secrets of such old surgeries will reveal themselves?
To be honest, I can't remember what it's like to feel normal. Orofacial pain is horrible because you can't ignore it. I can ignore a broken arm, or a cramp in my leg, but it's hard to look beyond any pain in your head.
I lost my hearing a couple of times last week. There's something going on with where my jaw meets below my ear, and I will be walking from Muni to go home and suddenly one of my ears isn't hearing as well as the other. It's a matter of minutes or up to a half an hour sometimes that it takes for it to come back. I wish I knew what to do when this happens. It's terribly frightening and then I don't help the situation by becoming catastrophic about it all.
I wish I could see L every day. I am so terrified to move now, since it seems like there is a consequence if I do. L grabbed a group of my muscles under my throat and told me to stick out my tongue. I did, and he said "does that hurt in the back?" and it did very much. He said that's where my scars were from my tonsillectomy that I had three years ago. He said that was adding to my problem- that they never fully healed. Is this true? I don't know. Could they have barely healed by the time I jumped into playing the role of Nettie in Carousel with The Lamplighters? Could I have been over-singing so much in the past couple years...and talking... that they never fully got the chance to heal entirely? It's true that is where the hold up mentally is. Every time I try and sing, it is that area that sends some kind of delay through my body.... What secrets of such old surgeries will reveal themselves?
ROLFING
A friend of mine in New York, was a huge fan of ROLFING. It sounds like a term that describes barfing, but honestly, it's the only thing that has actually helped improve my case. Rolfing was established by Ida Rolf, a practitioner around in the 1950's. It's the act of body aligning through tissue manipulation. Many compare it to deep tissue massage and say it's similar but this is more body work than massage. David exclaimed how his back had gone out and that after two sessions, he was "Dancing" out of the office.
I was desperate for anything since my jaw was being fixed slowly, but my chest still burned and my neck and clavicle were still pretty solid in the pain department. I did some research and found L, whose YELP reviews were impressive as was his website. His credentials are fantastic and he lived close to me. I made an appointment and after three sessions, I am feeling less pain. He was amazed at the pain in my muscles and stated that I needed "unwinding."
My swelling and tightness were in my pectorals which were what I used to lift that stupid luggage. My strain was all the way in my neck and it had even gone into the muscles of my tongue. My jaw was opening to the left and with his supervision, we are slowly working on the muscles of my face. If your pain is muscular, visit a ROLFER and see if anything changes. Do not schedule anything too strenuous after your session; you will most likely be very tired, and feel kind of lethargic.
ROLFING is good for:
- Postural Correction
- Back Pain
- Neck Pain and Headaches
- TMJ
- Sports Injuries
- Auto Injuries
- Carpel Tunnel Syndrome
- Greater Flexibility and Freedom of Movement
- Increased Well-Being
- Performance Enhancement
TRY ROLFING TO SEE HOW IT WORKS!
I was desperate for anything since my jaw was being fixed slowly, but my chest still burned and my neck and clavicle were still pretty solid in the pain department. I did some research and found L, whose YELP reviews were impressive as was his website. His credentials are fantastic and he lived close to me. I made an appointment and after three sessions, I am feeling less pain. He was amazed at the pain in my muscles and stated that I needed "unwinding."
My swelling and tightness were in my pectorals which were what I used to lift that stupid luggage. My strain was all the way in my neck and it had even gone into the muscles of my tongue. My jaw was opening to the left and with his supervision, we are slowly working on the muscles of my face. If your pain is muscular, visit a ROLFER and see if anything changes. Do not schedule anything too strenuous after your session; you will most likely be very tired, and feel kind of lethargic.
ROLFING is good for:
- Postural Correction
- Back Pain
- Neck Pain and Headaches
- TMJ
- Sports Injuries
- Auto Injuries
- Carpel Tunnel Syndrome
- Greater Flexibility and Freedom of Movement
- Increased Well-Being
- Performance Enhancement
TRY ROLFING TO SEE HOW IT WORKS!
Temporomandibular Joint Dysfunction
I went to my M.D. who looked at me sympathetically and said "I'm sorry this has happened to you... but I really don't have anything to recommend. Sometimes acupuncture works... and hot compresses...."
She gets points for compassion, but unfortunately not for helping me find the root of the problem.
I was diagnosed with TMJ when I was 17. I was lucky enough to go to high school with someone who's father was a Craniomandibular Specialist on campus at Stanford University. TMJ stands for temporomandibular joint disorder. Wikipedia states it perfectly:
I went back to my doctor, who confirmed that part of my struggle was with my jaw so he designed two splints for me to wear daily and nightly. This is slowly correcting my bite and easing the pressure and pain in my head. If I take the splint out, within minutes a heavy headache appears in my head. The pressure throughout my skull is awful, and it intensifies if the sunlight reaches my eyes. Sunlight is a Catch-22. With too much sun, you can get skin cancer. I avoid the sun since it intensifies my headaches, but my lab results as of two weeks ago show that my results are at 19, when the lowest should be around 32. Now I am at risk for more infection and chronic inflammation. See your doctor about getting on VITAMIN D Supplements and getting your levels between 32 and 100. That is where normal levels are supposed to be.
She gets points for compassion, but unfortunately not for helping me find the root of the problem.
I was diagnosed with TMJ when I was 17. I was lucky enough to go to high school with someone who's father was a Craniomandibular Specialist on campus at Stanford University. TMJ stands for temporomandibular joint disorder. Wikipedia states it perfectly:
TMJD is acute or chronic inflammation of the temporomandibular joint, which connects the mandible to the skull. The disorder and resultant dysfunction can result in significant pain and impairment.
I went back to my doctor, who confirmed that part of my struggle was with my jaw so he designed two splints for me to wear daily and nightly. This is slowly correcting my bite and easing the pressure and pain in my head. If I take the splint out, within minutes a heavy headache appears in my head. The pressure throughout my skull is awful, and it intensifies if the sunlight reaches my eyes. Sunlight is a Catch-22. With too much sun, you can get skin cancer. I avoid the sun since it intensifies my headaches, but my lab results as of two weeks ago show that my results are at 19, when the lowest should be around 32. Now I am at risk for more infection and chronic inflammation. See your doctor about getting on VITAMIN D Supplements and getting your levels between 32 and 100. That is where normal levels are supposed to be.
TMJ Symptoms:
- Bloodshot eyes
- Blurring of vision
- Eye pain above, below and behind eye
- Pressure behind eyes
- Light sensitivity
- Watering of the eyes
- Migraines
- Forehead pain
- Cluster headaches
- "Sinus Type" headache
- Hair and/or scalp painful or sensitive to touch
- Headaches at the back of the head, with or without shooting pain
If you feel like you are suffering from TMJD, find a specialist to help you so you won't be in so much pain!
Want to make God laugh? Tell him about your plans.
I am a professional singer, a singer who had and still hopefully has a full life of music ahead. I compiled this incredible cabaret show that did very well in San Francisco and it got me all the way to New York within a year. The show was called Bitter and Be Gay and it narrated my life as a bona fide Fag Hag living in the Castro district in San Francisco. I turned my struggles into humor with self deprecation that audiences could easily relate to, and I kept all hints of a therapy session out of the show. I chose clever songs to demonstrate my feelings and the show was a big success. I gained local news acclaim and even got a new friend out of the top publicist I hired. I worked hard and learned all about putting a show together, teaching myself to network, understand PR and advertisement, and the reviews and comments from audiences were my reward. My pessimistic attitude slowly started to melt away, and I began to really believe that nothing could stand in my way.
It was time; I packed my bags and went on Craigslist to find an apartment for a month. I was going to work with the top Cabaret connections in New York and polish my gem of a show and perform it out there. I couldn't wait. I had friends and acquaintances in New York who knew I was on the way. Reviews of my show had already arrived in New York before I had, and I couldn't wait to prove the reviews true to tougher, more experienced New York audiences. I got my apartment in a decent district and took off with my luggage not expecting anything but an amazing adventure and journey. Bitter and Be Gay was the first time I really believed in myself, and I was so happy with where my creation was taking me. I earned it and I enjoyed accepting the compliments and reviews that I got, because I deserved them. In my head, there was nothing that could stop me from experiencing the most incredible trip of my life.
The first day I arrived, I pulled up to my apartment where I would be taking a room of a girl who was off to Europe for a month. We were four flights up and there were no elevators. I didn't really think about the weight of the luggage, because I had to get my stuff up there, right? I began at the bottom with my large suitcase and when I got to the top, I was sweating but I knew I was tired from the flight. The next day I woke up with a sinus infection of doom and then...something else wasn't right. There was a painful, aching burning sensation in my chest. There was a pull in everything from my jaw to my neck, to the insides of my neck, and the muscles which I never learned about all around my clavicle, collarbone, sternum and shoulders. What was worse was that I couldn't sing. I could not get my voice out. It was there, but it wouldn't come out. It was like all of my placement and coordination was gone. My "how to sing" slate had been mysteriously wiped clean, and every muscle needed in order to sing had been pulled out and stretched. How had this happened? Aleve wouldn't help, and I didn't know what was going on. I frantically started looking online for a chiropractor...for someone who knew how to diagnose what was happening. First, I went to a recommended ENT who said that the sinus infection was bad, and that I had a deviated septum. My chords were fine and my voice was healthy. The sinus infection was gone withing 10 days, but my muscles still hurt so badly. There was actual burning going on where my pectorals were. The back muscles where my skull met my neck were so tender, it hurt to even rest my head on a pillow. I was alone in NY supposed to be having the best time ever, and it was gone.
I visited a chiropractor, Dr. Alex Einghorn who was a kind, respectful doctor. When he put his hands on my neck, tears nearly exploded from my eyes. I couldn't believe the pain I was feeling. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. He told me that it was comparable to whiplash. He asked me what I was doing in New York. Through tears I explained that I was there to basically change my life. To live my dream that I DESERVED TO DREAM. He sadly smiled and said "You know how to make God laugh, right? Tell him about your plans." It all rang true, and I knew that I would have to cancel everything and brave it out for the next twenty nine days.
I knew that I couldn't explain what was happening since I didn't know myself. I put it together later that it was the lifting of the luggage that pulled everything out of its sockets, underneath my skin.
I could not stop crying when I was by myself. I would answer questions about my show like it was still going on, and swallow my tears and make it seem like I was having fun. I even attended a few sessions of preparation for my show because I thought that maybe in a few days I would get better. The pain just seemed to take up residence in my body and not go anywhere. After two weeks, I had to professionally back out of my project. I lied to my director-to-be and told her that my heart wasn't in the show and that I wasn't interested anymore in pursuing it. It was one of the worst moments in my life. I argued with myself that telling her I was sick wasn't an option. I also couldn't come to the conclusion of how to explain what was wrong with me, because not even the doctors I saw could give me a name of anything to call it. I was not sure if this would linger or leave, and I was terrified, and depressed, and I immediately fell into victim mode. Of course this would happen. Of course my show after all of this hard work and dedication would not be able to go forward. Of course this would happen to me. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
There were nights that I would retire early, telling people I was tired when really I could barely keep my head up. Aleve wasn't working, and nothing else was working . I was stuck in New York and I had to make the best of it. I slowly said good-bye to my show... piled all of my scripts, headshots, press kits, reviews into my suitcase and shoved them under my bed. There I was, for three days straight, lying in bed watching Veronica Mars and Desperate Housewives, sobbing under the covers. Friends had shows at the Metropolitan Room, Feinstein's, Don't Tell Mama's and other venues and I went to all of them and could barely function. I had to perform for a friend's birthday and I felt like I was a zombie. I was paralyzed where I used to be most alive: the muscles in my throat, chest and jaw were screaming 24 hours a day. I was wishing that someone else could have my voice to make use of it, because my body wasn't healing at all within three weeks.
When I got home from New York I was making appts like a madwoman. I had let some close friends know what was going on, but still, my former director and her contacts had no idea what was happening. I really felt like either way I would be viewed as a flake. Either way, I was unreliable and had wasted their time. I did not know how to explain what was going on in my body. Three months later, to the day, I am still in a lot of pain and I am not through healing. This blog is to help those who may be experiencing similar pains and discouragement so that they know that they're not alone. When life makes you give up something you love or something you coveted so much, it can cause much pain, anger, resentment and the worst feelings; misunderstandings from others. The first thing one needs is emotional support and you find out through your own personal crisis who will be there and who will NOT be there to give it to you.
Please read on to learn more about the struggle of what has happened and the structure of coping I have yet to perfect.
It was time; I packed my bags and went on Craigslist to find an apartment for a month. I was going to work with the top Cabaret connections in New York and polish my gem of a show and perform it out there. I couldn't wait. I had friends and acquaintances in New York who knew I was on the way. Reviews of my show had already arrived in New York before I had, and I couldn't wait to prove the reviews true to tougher, more experienced New York audiences. I got my apartment in a decent district and took off with my luggage not expecting anything but an amazing adventure and journey. Bitter and Be Gay was the first time I really believed in myself, and I was so happy with where my creation was taking me. I earned it and I enjoyed accepting the compliments and reviews that I got, because I deserved them. In my head, there was nothing that could stop me from experiencing the most incredible trip of my life.
The first day I arrived, I pulled up to my apartment where I would be taking a room of a girl who was off to Europe for a month. We were four flights up and there were no elevators. I didn't really think about the weight of the luggage, because I had to get my stuff up there, right? I began at the bottom with my large suitcase and when I got to the top, I was sweating but I knew I was tired from the flight. The next day I woke up with a sinus infection of doom and then...something else wasn't right. There was a painful, aching burning sensation in my chest. There was a pull in everything from my jaw to my neck, to the insides of my neck, and the muscles which I never learned about all around my clavicle, collarbone, sternum and shoulders. What was worse was that I couldn't sing. I could not get my voice out. It was there, but it wouldn't come out. It was like all of my placement and coordination was gone. My "how to sing" slate had been mysteriously wiped clean, and every muscle needed in order to sing had been pulled out and stretched. How had this happened? Aleve wouldn't help, and I didn't know what was going on. I frantically started looking online for a chiropractor...for someone who knew how to diagnose what was happening. First, I went to a recommended ENT who said that the sinus infection was bad, and that I had a deviated septum. My chords were fine and my voice was healthy. The sinus infection was gone withing 10 days, but my muscles still hurt so badly. There was actual burning going on where my pectorals were. The back muscles where my skull met my neck were so tender, it hurt to even rest my head on a pillow. I was alone in NY supposed to be having the best time ever, and it was gone.
I visited a chiropractor, Dr. Alex Einghorn who was a kind, respectful doctor. When he put his hands on my neck, tears nearly exploded from my eyes. I couldn't believe the pain I was feeling. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. He told me that it was comparable to whiplash. He asked me what I was doing in New York. Through tears I explained that I was there to basically change my life. To live my dream that I DESERVED TO DREAM. He sadly smiled and said "You know how to make God laugh, right? Tell him about your plans." It all rang true, and I knew that I would have to cancel everything and brave it out for the next twenty nine days.
I knew that I couldn't explain what was happening since I didn't know myself. I put it together later that it was the lifting of the luggage that pulled everything out of its sockets, underneath my skin.
I could not stop crying when I was by myself. I would answer questions about my show like it was still going on, and swallow my tears and make it seem like I was having fun. I even attended a few sessions of preparation for my show because I thought that maybe in a few days I would get better. The pain just seemed to take up residence in my body and not go anywhere. After two weeks, I had to professionally back out of my project. I lied to my director-to-be and told her that my heart wasn't in the show and that I wasn't interested anymore in pursuing it. It was one of the worst moments in my life. I argued with myself that telling her I was sick wasn't an option. I also couldn't come to the conclusion of how to explain what was wrong with me, because not even the doctors I saw could give me a name of anything to call it. I was not sure if this would linger or leave, and I was terrified, and depressed, and I immediately fell into victim mode. Of course this would happen. Of course my show after all of this hard work and dedication would not be able to go forward. Of course this would happen to me. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
There were nights that I would retire early, telling people I was tired when really I could barely keep my head up. Aleve wasn't working, and nothing else was working . I was stuck in New York and I had to make the best of it. I slowly said good-bye to my show... piled all of my scripts, headshots, press kits, reviews into my suitcase and shoved them under my bed. There I was, for three days straight, lying in bed watching Veronica Mars and Desperate Housewives, sobbing under the covers. Friends had shows at the Metropolitan Room, Feinstein's, Don't Tell Mama's and other venues and I went to all of them and could barely function. I had to perform for a friend's birthday and I felt like I was a zombie. I was paralyzed where I used to be most alive: the muscles in my throat, chest and jaw were screaming 24 hours a day. I was wishing that someone else could have my voice to make use of it, because my body wasn't healing at all within three weeks.
When I got home from New York I was making appts like a madwoman. I had let some close friends know what was going on, but still, my former director and her contacts had no idea what was happening. I really felt like either way I would be viewed as a flake. Either way, I was unreliable and had wasted their time. I did not know how to explain what was going on in my body. Three months later, to the day, I am still in a lot of pain and I am not through healing. This blog is to help those who may be experiencing similar pains and discouragement so that they know that they're not alone. When life makes you give up something you love or something you coveted so much, it can cause much pain, anger, resentment and the worst feelings; misunderstandings from others. The first thing one needs is emotional support and you find out through your own personal crisis who will be there and who will NOT be there to give it to you.
Please read on to learn more about the struggle of what has happened and the structure of coping I have yet to perfect.
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